To DO List for My 50th Year

On the sweatshirt of a birthday gift from a very funny friend.

I am so blessed to have made some amazing friendships in my life. While I have cherished a few golden oldies from my childhood and college years––even though we don't see each other enough (thank you Facebook!)––most of the dearest friends that I have made have been in the latter half of the past decade while still living in New Hampshire and here in Kentucky. Several make me laugh, a lot, and I was quite spoiled by some on my recent birthday: with good wishes, thoughts, prayers, laughter and some lovely gifts. 

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'” 

People who know me know that I am the real deal, bumps and all: I may speak my mind at times, I may defend others who are not so fortunate, and I never suffer fools gladly. Like meets like and stays with like and if you encounter a false friend in your life you will soon know it. The best indicator of a sour relationship is that it just isn't working: something's "off," you might find yourself apologizing too often and for things you're not aware that you've done, or it just feels forced. Perhaps there is a certain envy in the relationship on one side, or both, that causes friction. Either way, these friendships are toxic and you are best to run, fast, in the other direction. 

Sometimes we just encounter narcissists––whether friends, family members or coworkers––in our lives who are simply incapable of any kind of authentic self or true relationship or the ability to accept responsibility for their part in something. They can be classic victims and often shed their identities, and personas, and start again. You may be left in their wake. Consider yourself fortunate and, if still standing there trying to figure them out, just run, RUN! Or, sit back and enjoy the behaviors from a distance. Better yet, no, just run and don't look back. Maybe say a few "Hail Marys" or prayers while you're at it. Forgiveness fills the heart but it never forgets. [It is also good to remember that narcissists, like sociopaths, can not change who they are: there are thousands of websites on this very subject, and even many books. They are more insidious then you might think and not always whom you might expect, at first.]

It goes without saying that my family comes first–our children on Addie's
visit last month–but sometimes we have to make time for ourselves, too.

We had such a wonderful time out West in October–a trip is a great way to reconnect.

Above all we need to be surrounded by people who love us and have our backs, just as we need to be that friend, family member or colleague. One thing I'm realizing as I age and stare at 50 next year is that I have a reduced capacity for bullshit of any kind or people who lack a sense of humor or who are inauthentic. So boundaries are in order. So is cleaning out my closet: in all realms. This year will be a combination of many things as I prepare, hopefully, for the next fifty years of my life.

“You are never too old to set another goal 

or to dream a new dream.” 

I need to also count and remember my blessings each and every day. And, as C.S. Lewis wrote (he is also responsible for all of the quotes in this blog today): 

“You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.” 

I would like to try and do things that nourish the body, feed the soul and surround the heart in warmth and good feeling. Several years ago, two friends and I started writing out our goals for the next year, around the holidays, always with shared presents, good food and a cup of tea. This continues that tradition.

“You can never get a cup of tea large enough 

or a book long enough to suit me.” 

To Do List for My 50th Year (written just after my 49th birthday):

1. Put health, exercise and good eating habits FIRST and ALWAYS (the rest will come): SCHEDULE IT IN!
2. Make weekly menu plans for best use of pantries and freezers.
3. Go through all "stuff" in rooms, closets and cupboards in two houses, bite by bite, room by room: keep, pitch, donate, regift, sell. Only keep what is useful or truly beautiful (this includes special sentiments). Prioritize projects for 2012-13 execution (esp. archival and WRITING).
4. Go through shop, box by box, and either rebox or SELL!!!
5. Go through archives in shop and either pitch (eg. BURN) or regroup for later proper storage and sharing.
6. Spend as little money as absolutely possible.
7. Get office spaces better ready for good work flow (see 3. and 4.).
8. Spend much less time with media and read much more.
9. Write more notes and letters to friends and family: "Only connect." (see 8.)
10. Establish clear boundaries in all realms to open doors and windows in others: Let the LIGHT in and darkness AWAY!
11. Cultivate authentic relationships.
12. Keep laughing and occasionally swearing. It helps.
13. Drink more tea, and often drink it with friends. 
14. "Remember," as my great-grandmother advised, "the ruthlessness to rest."

An old cross in the adobe home of our cousins in Colorado.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” 

~ C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

You come back when you're ready!
Catherine

Corn & Steak–with Tea–Day 2 continued

Tea for 2? There were no tea rooms in Tea, SD.

Further up the highway was the delightful discovery of the town of Tea, South Dakota (where they crown Mr. and Mrs. Teapot each year)–the women at the antique shop by the exit were not sure of the origins of the town's name. We ended our long day from Kansas City with a requisite visit to the Mitchell, South Dakota Corn Palace and dinner at Chef Louie's for a fabulous steak with a nice glass of wine. We could have gone to Colorado across Missouri and into Kansas–the fastest route. As we rarely like to return on the same road we head out on, I suggested South Dakota.

I had been through South Dakota almost thirty years ago when my father treated me to a month-long post-college Western trip. After a summer internship at a funky historic house museum in Brunswick, Maine, and as maid of honor in an old friend's September wedding in Ohio, we set out for the great American West. We had a great month seeing many sites and new country together–all sites in places Dad had not taken us altogether as children but where he had been on trips before as a child and college student. It was invigorating after so many years in academia and before deciding what to do next with my life. As my father had done, I wanted to make sure the boys and T. saw the Corn Palace––and Mount Rushmore, of course, and other sites in the western end of the state. One must always balance corny with the magnificent.

Much of the South Dakota soil was rich and chocolaty, something we don't see in our part of Kentucky.

Individual ears of corn are glued to the outside of the Corn Palace each year,
and on murals inside, by volunteers. The theme changes yearly.

Original Corn Palaces were quite exotic and Byzantine.

We we are partial to large bovines on the side of the road.

You come back when you're ready! 

Catherine

At the Weekend: Part Deux

$13 worth of "salvage" British food imports. Of course I grabbed them!

I must have an inner vision board or something when it comes to food, like some sort of culinary conjurer in the night. No sooner had I finished blogging yesterday to go get my boys at school when the following food miracle, of sorts, occurred right nearby in Casey County.

We have a great new discount food store locally: Casey County Discount Foods on Hwy 910 in Casey County [click here for their Facebook page]. I like it because it is a clean, well-lighted place with nice people but also because it is convenient on a well-trod path of ours [and they even sell milk now]. There are a few of these stores around the region and all offer something different. But it would seem that this store has really unusual offerings for which you, if you're like me, would otherwise have to drive, or order, quite a distance. They even have funky discounted organic body care products. Regardless, their inventory is always changing and that's half the fun: what came in this week? [Alta Tucker, the owner, also sells her own Creekside Farm goat's milk soap and local products like my friend Crystal's Casey County honey from Mud-E Acres Farm.]

Hobnobs are good but are a distant second to the original dark chocolate biscuit!
[And the resealable pack makes no sense--they just don't last that long.]

Take, for example, yesterday's blog musings on British food. I hadn't been to the CC Discount Store in a few weeks so decided to see what's new and to get what are already becoming old favorites (like bottled Luzianne Lemon Tea, with sugar instead of HFC: not too sweet, just right, especially while I'm canning). I just about died, yes, died, when I saw several packets of McVitie's® Chocolate Digestives. Not just chocolate, mind you, but DARK chocolate! These biscuits are like a finely milled graham cracker, or "sweet meal," with a luscious coating of chocolate on top––in fact, they'd make excellent some'ores. The very biscuits we used to hoard in our rooms in England and enjoy with a late night cup of tea––what I often buy at more expensive gourmet stores, and online, for $4.50 or more a pack (once in a while). So, yes, when I saw they were $1.20 pack I grabbed up every one in the store (don't worry: there were only six). I have no pride when it comes to such unabashed pantry hoarding stocking!

I was delighted to read this past spring that Prince William's Groom's cake for the recent royal wedding was to be a chocolate biscuit cake made by McVitie's. A man after my own stomach! One weekend while living in London I went home with my friend Bethan to her parents' house in Wales. Her mother made this marvelous midnight treat that included chopped up McVitie's dark chocolate biscuits that was probably similar to this much-touted cake. [I know the recipe is in an old letter, somewhere.]

You rarely see these few, real ingredients 
in American canned soups.

Love the lable, too.

But I digress. I was also able to find a selection of Heinz® canned items that you do not find in this country, except in speciality shops. They are quality canned goods made for the British market. The Ambrosia "creamed rice" we have had before and it's delicious (and is just milk, rice and sugar––it's just the way it's cooked).

Altogether I paid about $13.00 for my British products––a nice treat on the way to get my boys at school. My total bill was about $30 for a cart full of these and other items: most organic, gourmet or unusual condiments.

We definitely didn't need this but I wanted to see if it was as good
as the Ifor Evans dining hall version! And it will go well with plum compote.

Did we need any of this stuff? Of course not. But I'll be glad this winter when I take a can of potato-leek soup from the pantry and share it with my husband for lunch. I might even let him have some of my biscuits.

You come back when you're ready!

Catherine

Tea and Friends at Chickabiddy

Addie made her first batch of scones from a recipe from an old family friend.

A friend brought homemade blueberry jam!

I haven't thrown a tea party since the summer of 2008 in our old house in New Hampshire. A fellow writer and I hosted it and had great fun putting together the menu, preparing the food, setting up the party and adding just the right Emily Post touches. The premise was that it was to have been a chapter in a book that did not materialize––however, I more enjoyed the many friends who were gathered, as well as the preparations. It was a last "hurrah" in the house that had been our home since our marriage in 1996 (and in my husband's family since 1959). [You can read my "Tea for Forty With Emily and Friends" blog post here.]

Lemon squares are still my favorite tea party item to make.

Post-party posing on May Day with some leftovers!

Our daughter, who will be 23 in June, visited us for a nice month between resort seasons. She "left home," in that ubiquitous sense, a few days before we moved to Kentucky on July 31, 2008. It was our last time altogether in the New Hampshire house, which we closed on a few months later and to which my husband returned in early September to finish packing. So we all not only left home in all ways, we left our daughter (and sister) behind and each of us left our familiar. Talk about Empty Nest hitting with a vengeance! That first full year, settling in here, was a bit brutal. I felt disjointed and strange. This would morph and change for the next few years (perimenopause likely hasn't always helped things, either).  I finally know in my bones that this is home––that our new roots are starting to take hold and spread into the earth.

Almost three years later, Addie has made her own life for herself. She has held several seasonal jobs and just returned to a full-time, year-round position (with benefits!) at the resort where she works. She has her "family" in and near her workplace which is reassuring because she lives 1,100 miles away from us, entirely self-supporting apart from the occasional gifts we send her way. We are immensely proud of her. This visit reconfirmed for us that we are still a connected family unit, despite the distance and our separate worlds now.

As a mother and a woman, this visit was so reaffirming to me––to all of us––and for our daughter it provided a more rooted sense and picture of our new home. It is hard to leave your physical home at twenty and never have that same home to return to again. Here we have been able to improve and build upon what we once had: our gilded cage, in many respects, has been replaced by what matters and the comfort of each other. Families are so complex and I hold fast to my husband and children while knowing I can also stand as an individual, too. That my daughter can do that and be on her own, even better than I could at her age, is one of the most gratifying things I have experienced.

If one advances confidently in the direction of one's dreams, and endeavors to live the life that one has imagined, one will meet with a success uncommon in common hours.   ~ Henry David Thoreau

       

I love my Anchor Hocking "Lido" set.

Our month-long visit (oddly from April 12 to May 12!) as a family was so cohesive and good, with only a few bumps of reentry, and the tea party that we prepared together was one of many highlights. I never did make a pot of hot tea this time around, but we enjoyed lavender lemonade and iced, sweet tea with some of Ida's mint that grows near the back door. 

I'd been planning this event for many months as a celebration of the cottage being finished (more or less––of course, I didn't show anyone my unfinished office and many books have not been unpacked). Also, I knew my daughter would be here to meet everyone and I wanted to celebrate May Day! It just seemed the right time before hay and produce season when we, and so many of our friends, are busy on their own farms.

Nasturtium blossoms make a fine, edible garnish for tea sandwiches.

Each one of my friends, even those who could not attend the party, spoiled me rotten with a very lovely cottage gift. I am blessed, and appreciative, beyond words! Chickabiddy Cottage is now well-christened. Besides, a party is always a good excuse to have your friends visit and to use your best stuff. Some were even able to stay until the wee hours of 9pm, when they realized it might be a good idea if they headed home again to their own families (my husband Temple provided excellent cab service for our Mennonite friends).

In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.  ~ Kahlil Gibran

For one suspended and quite rainy Sunday afternoon on May Day, apart from the world and its troubles, we gathered around a table at the center of our cozy small cottage parlor on a ridge in Kentucky. [That table––if you'll allow me a Hyacinth Bucket moment––once belonged to Queen Victoria's son Prince Arthur, who was transferred to Canada, or so the family story goes.] We spent the time eating, talking, laughing and just being together. It doesn't get much better than that––I even left the dishes for the next day.

You come back when you're ready!

Catherine